First, I wanna say thank you. Thank you to everyone who read my Story with No Pictures blog entry. An even bigger thank you to those who took the time to message me, thanking me for opening up and for even sharing your own stories with me. It made my heart so happy being appreciated for my transparency, and I loved feeling connected to y’all on a deeper level.
After that post was published, I not only experienced a surprising outpour of love, compassion, and appreciation, but also interest in knowing more. Honestly, I was shocked that people not only read my post but ENJOYED it. So I was even more shocked when I had messages from readers asking me to share MORE. Most commonly, more about how I handle being a full-time mommy, run a national top 100 Avon team, AND suffer from depression.
And my honest answer of how I do it all: idfk. Lol like seriously, sometimes I’ll have a moment to reflect and just be like, “Damn. I did that!” I will say it takes an amazing support system. My hubs is almost too supportive…on my worst days where I feel like curling up in a ball in dark hole and not coming out for weeks, he’s there for me. Cheering me on, encouraging me, strategizing with me, believing in me. Sometimes to the point I wanna punch him in the throat, but I know he loves me and means well. So I almost never actually punch him in the throat.
I definitely can’t go through here talking about amazing support systems and NOT give credit to the big man himself. I pray constantly. Like I am literally in a perpetual mental and emotional conversation with God. He knows me, he knows my pain, my struggles, my triumphs, and my goals. If you ever see me staring off into space or hear me talking to myself, yeah, I’m deep in a convo and you’ll need to say, “excuse me.” If anyone ever tries to say I can talk their ear off, just imagine what I’m putting G through on a daily basis. But I know he’s got my back even when I don’t like how His plan is laid out.
In the spirit of pulling back the curtain, I’ll share a bit of what my life looks like as a mom, wife, and leader with depression. I wake up. I know that’s sounds stupidly obvious, but I start there because there have been days where I don’t want to. Or I just don’t wanna get up. I’m paralyzed. It’s taken a lot of time and therapeutic healing, but now more often than not, I wake up and even if I don’t want to GET up, I am still grateful for my eyes opening to another day. Progress.
And I’ll tell you no matter how bad I’m feeling, there is nothing better than waking up to my boys. Every. Single. Day. Being a full-time mommy is my life. These boys are a huge part of my purpose. I may not always have the energy they deserve, but I give them 100% of me even if it overdrafts my emotional account. I’m their friend, their comfort, their protector. I’m their snack-bringer, bubble bath-runner, and dance partner. Because of a choice I made to work from home, I’ve never missed a single milestone memory, no matter how small. For that, I’m beyond grateful.
Now, you may have caught that I said my boys are a huge part of my purpose, but I didn’t say they are my sole purpose in life. I believe I was put here for so much more than being responsible for these freaking incredible kids I’m raising. I believe that, because I feel a spiritual connection and passion ignited when I help other women chase their dreams and find value in themselves. You may look at what I do and not see any opportunity to do that, but you’re wrong. #sorrynotsorry
The opportunity I took advantage of back in 2017 now means I can be a full-time mommy — that’s life-changing crap right there! That same opportunity could mean the same for someone else! It could mean financial independence for a struggling single mama. It could mean debt-free education to a college student. It could mean retirement savings. It could give a sense of community and belonging to someone who’s alone. It could mean self-esteem and purpose and value to someone who’s been victimized by the world.
That’s what I see. I see value in what I do everyday. I push myself to continue to reach out, encourage, share my story, share other’s stories, because I know it makes a difference.
There are definitely days where I’m not very productive. I’m drained, I’m irritable, and I just wanna sleep for 46 hours straight. But even on days where I can’t do much for myself, I am there for my boys, and I am there for my team.
I’ve said it once, and I’ll always say it: My depression is a part of who I am, but it is NOT who I am. And I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for my baby boys, my perfectly imperfect other half, and the unconditional love and grace of my God.
If you’re dealing with depression or anxiety or you’re just feeling hurt and lost, please talk to someone. Heck, talk to me! I’d love to chat; whether it’s about life, kids, being a mom, being a wife, or if you just need a friendship or sense of belonging and purpose.